That, up there, was me, yesterday. A lot of slobbing about. But that’s not the point of this particular rant.
My dear darling Beloved up and decided to watch Left Behind. Which is what I would classify as a disaster of a disaster movie. I mean, most disaster movies are fun on a spot-the-corpse level – laying wagers on which particular arsehole is going to bite it next. But this?
This was just agonising.
The key ‘disaster’ in this disaster of a movie is not the fact that Nicholas Cage is in it – which is usually my primary classification. And yes, the man is a human with a life and is allegedly an actor… but… he’s more confused by the ‘epidemic’ of sex scandals rather than acknowledging that women are finally taking a stand against their gross bosses. It reads more like “once upon a time, men who did good stuff could get away with anything. That isn’t the case any more and I’m confused.”
Plus the man has two faces: Confusedly staring at the camera, and lock-him-up pissed off.
As a merit thing, I don’t like his “acting”, and that’s just me. On to the alleged movie.
It’s one of the few ‘Christian’ movies that has made its way onto Netflix because, apparently, Nic Cage is still a guy that can get bums on seats. It’s got a splashy poster and a tagline that sounds enough like a tiger pit to have me avoiding it… but my Beloved is way less picky.
It starts with the usual Disaster Movie setup. Meet the main characters, get their opinions on shit. Spot a few Obvious Targets in the initial disaster death count – the fat guy or the black guy ‘gets it’ first. Always. And this film did not disappoint.
I’ll spare you the details, but the heavy-handed overtones of Xtianity in the first twenty-something minutes of setup made my red flags point directly to “Shitty Xtian Movie” and I was not wrong. Because the ‘disaster’ that is the keystone of this feature is…
Yes. This is a story about all the people left behind when the innocents (children) and the faithful in the Xtian god [and yes, I purposely left the capital off of that one] are all taken away to heaven so that they avoid: seven years of darkness and war, the rise of the antichrist, gay marriage, natural disasters, dogs and cats living together, etc. etc. etc.
They don’t go into the details of that part.
Instead, you’re allegedly treated to an hour plus of scenes centring around how all those people who were left behind are going to have to suffer because they missed the boat, the call, or whatever you call it by being ‘in sin’ at the time the Rapture came.
Nevermind that there’s supposed to be an oppressive global religion that’s persecuting those of the True Faith at the time of the Rapture. Nope. A multitude of natural disasters is enough to pull that fucking trigger. I guest the Xtians are feeling persecuted enough now that two adults of any gender can get married if they love each other.
I’ve switched to saying ‘Xtians’ and using a lowercase G on their god, because this is not something made by someone who loves the sinners. This movie drags you backwards through brambles of suffering and mourning the missing. Getting in the faces of people who lost their babies, or rolling in the panic of someone with a missing child.
People who actually try to live by the teachings of Jesus would not want to watch an hour plus of people suffering because said people didn’t believe in the [according to the movie] ‘right god’. And, frankly, I found this movie offensive by the implication that actual Christians would want to watch that.
This whole thing reads like a movie that impressionable kids are forced to watch during the first day of Bible Camp, before a wholesome week of indoctrination into the Xtian gang. And, at least personally, I think this film caused more atheists than childhood leukaemia.
Nic Cage’s daughter, played by an otherwise Bog Standard Blonde, is agnostic. She knows about the god in this movie, but has her doubts because god is being mean. Why would anyone want to believe in a god who is being mean? I know I wouldn’t.
My preferred Deity would be in the people helping the people struck by the natural disasters, my God is in the hands that form human chains, passing debris away from a collapsed building. My God is in the people who have electricity and share it with the people who don’t. My God is in the love and kindness and togetherness that comes to the fore in every natural disaster, or human-made disaster that’s out there.
My God would certainly not want followers who would revel in the suffering of anyone left behind in the Rapture. My God would allow anyone taken up in that to say, “Hold on, hold on. Why are you leaving [NAME] behind? They’re good people. So what if they follow Allah? Let ’em in. Let me carry them in.” Because that’s what a good Christian looks like.
The people who made this stinking pile? Idle Worshippers. They’re as mean as their lowercase god and probably deserve the kind of suffering this movie portrays. In fact, they could be members of the True-Faith-Opressing global church of Revelations and never know it. They think fanaticism is as good as faith and it. Is. Not.
The most important passage in the Bible, and the one most frequently ignored by the Xtians who made this flick, is “Love thy neighbour”.
Can we have a movie about that, please?